Am I the problem? A way to find out without self-blame
The short answer
"Am I the problem?" asks for a verdict on a whole person, and no verdict tells you what to do next. There is a smaller question that does have an answer: which actions caused the cost, yours and theirs, and what does each one need now?
Why the big question goes round in circles
After a fight, the mind swings. First it is all their fault. Then it is all yours. Each swing feels like insight, and nothing gets decided. A person is too big to judge in one sitting. An action is not.
The test: write down acts, not traits
Write what happened as acts. "I raised my voice at dinner." "She read my messages." Leave out "I'm too sensitive" and "he's controlling": traits are verdicts, and acts can be checked. Then put each act, yours and theirs, through four of the Gita's eight lenses:
- Truth: was it honest?
- Non-harm: who got hurt, and how badly?
- Restraint: was it a decision, or an impulse?
- Clean intent: what was it for: to solve something, or to win?
Most fights come out mixed, and that is useful. It shows which acts are yours to repair and which are theirs to answer for.
What the Gita looks at
The Gita's eighteenth chapter sorts actions by how they are done. Its line on the kind it calls dark is a test anyone can run on last night's argument:
अनुबन्धं क्षयं हिंसामनपेक्ष्य च पौरुषम्।मोहादारभ्यते कर्म यत्तत्तामसमुच्यते।।18.25।।
The action undertaken from delusion, without regard to capacity and consequences—loss and injury to others—that is declared to be dark.
Look at what it asks about: whether the act weighed its consequences, the loss and injury to others, and whether it was within your capacity. It rules on an act, and an act can be done differently next time. That is why this question leaves you somewhere to go.
Am I overreacting?
A reaction is sized right when it matches the act and climbs one step at a time. A real case shows the ladder.
Real dilemma · Creative. A colleague taking credit for work you built: a private word, or a public correction? The call: "Pull them aside first. If the lie keeps walking, then the room gets to see." See the card
The first step is the smallest one that could work. If it fails, the next step has been earned.
When the cost came from hurry
Many costly moves are not cruelty at all. One card put it in a single line.
Real dilemma · Integrity. Staying silent when an elder seems wrong, in case disagreement reads as disrespect. The call: "Silent agreement to preserve hierarchy costs truth and your own discernment; respectful disagreement is the harder duty." The line worth sharing: "Most costly moves are not malice—they are hurry with good adjectives." See the card
If an act of yours was hurry, the repair can be small: one sentence, said soon.
Decide yours
A fight left undecided keeps replaying, and every replay edits the facts a little. Write it down tonight, while you still remember who said what. KarmaLens judges the action, not you: it asks for the one fact it needs, makes one clear call with the Gita behind it, and gives you the first step.
Free, private, about two minutes.
More: relationship decisions · Am I selfish? · Should I confess?